Crossroads

So, I was in D.C. for the past two weeks. I wanted to write a post about my entire time home. I wanted to write about how incredible it was to be with my parents and siblings, and the memories I created with my nephews and niece. How much I loved on them. How satisfying it was to just laugh. And exhale. And be in the moment. Except, each time I started to write I fell short of finding the words to sum up such an experience. I started to write so many times, with nothing to show. Then, one day I wrote an entire post, and it was great. I felt calmer once I finished writing. I felt a little freer. I needed to get what I wrote off my heart, and I did!

Then my Microsoft Word suddenly closed out before I saved my work. It was lost. I tried recovering it to no avail. (So you better believe I have been saving my document every minute!). I was devastated because I wanted desperately to share those words with you. I hoped that they would help someone. Would set someone free, as they did me. I tried to write again the next day. And the next day. And the next day. Nothing compared to the post I lost.

I had given up and decided to try again when I got back to my current home, Columbus, OH.

On my last day in D.C., I went to support two of my childhood friends. They founded an organization, Black Girl Centered, that creates safe spaces for black women to heal. I was a part of a circle that allowed me the opportunity to begin mending the trauma I have experienced. Trauma that’s been passed down generationally. Trauma that was inflicted upon me. Trauma that I have inflicted upon myself. There was a spiritual guide there who supported us in the beginning of our restoration. The energy felt by being in that group of black women was magnetic, supportive, inspiring, and secure. I let my guard down, and it felt so good to do so. I showed my insecurities and shortcoming and did not feel judged or defensive. It was so fitting because we discussed the fear of being vulnerable.

To give some background information, I have been stuck in a transitional period in my life. I have been dealing with the sticky “submissive” situation. Questioning whether it is possible for me to be a submissive woman in my relationship. I have always equated submission to passivity, obedience, and weakness. And that just wasn’t me. Events that I have witnessed and feelings I have had has made me a fighter against submission. My voice was always going to be heard, my opinion was always going to be stated. I refused to be silent. And if a guy could not get down with that, then he could not get down with me.

Going into that safe space, though, allowed me a chance to get to the root of why I felt it problematic to be submissive, which is ultimately my fear of being vulnerable.  In order to get to that realization, first, I had to understand what submission means and why it’s important to the success of a relationship. To understand what it means for a woman to be submissive one must appreciate divine womanhood.

When God created man and woman, he gave them respective roles. With the change of time, those roles shifted.  Nowadays, people assume the roles that they can to make the household strong. And I believe that’s perfectly fine. But, in my opinion, there are roles that must be exclusive to male and female to create a successful partnership. The idea of Divine womanhood will differ in each woman because our gifts from God are not uniform. divine womanhood for me means honoring God in every part of my life by being a servant of humankind, especially those less fortunate, while supporting my partner to become his best self in Christ and raising a God-fearing family.

The way that I can support my partner to become his best self is by giving him authority over where he will take our family financially, spiritually, emotionally, and morally, which is my idea of submission. Now, that does not mean that my voice won’t be heard. I aim to be supportive but I expect to offer guidance based on the gifts God gave me.

Trust plays a big factor in being able to follow someone else’s lead. I have trouble trusting because many times I’ve trusted people who have taken advantage of me. When you trust someone, you give them the opportunity to hurt you or let you down, hoping and praying that they won’t. To step into my divine womanhood, I must once again trust. Trust in God that he has aligned me with a person who will honor me as he honors God. Trust in my partner that he will successfully lead our family.

The spiritual guide that I mentioned earlier raised a good point. She shared that if I wanted to step into a submissive role I “must be receptive.” That struck a nerve honey! She was speaking volumes. I realized that I am not a very receptive person. It’s hard to admit that because sometimes I have trouble confessing my flaws, but I want to be transparent because I want to be better.  But no, I am not receptive and that’s the problem. I am confident. I KNOW what I can offer to any situation. I know that if I need something to get done, I can get it done on my own. I can depend on myself. And I do not want to lose that part of me. She explained that a woman can still be strong and submissive, but it calls for a level of vulnerability and trust.

I had to understand that submitting does not mean that I am less able, less valuable, or less equal. It just means that I am openly declaring my trust and support for my partner. I must allow myself to feel vulnerable, allow him to protect me instead of always feeling the need to fight. Allow him to show his masculinity, and me to revel in my femininity. Ask him for guidance and trust his direction. And what makes trusting easier is that I have realized that he understands the importance of the role I play in our family and submits to me in his own respective way. It’s a two-sided thing. It gives me the strength I need to continue my path of divine womanhood.

I appreciate him as a man. He appreciates me as a woman.

I think it’s such a beautiful thing.

It feels good to recognize growth in myself and to be able to express it for those who may be facing the same crossroads.  Of course, I won’t be perfect in the beginning of my journey, but I don’t plan to give up. I will keep trying to be better.

And just know that repetition creates strength. And we’re stronger than we know.

xoxo,

Sandra Renee.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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